الحمد لله
Allah blessed me with a personality filled with joy; a personality that loves to please others, talk to them, help them and I am that type who talks a lot and socialises with everyone. Then there comes a point when that statue can't hold itself anymore and can't leave the smile on its face...I think it can be called a breaking point
It's when alhamdulilah I have everything I need, but something deep inside is sad and feels pain. When I feel that inner pain my tears flood. Simply, I have no reason to tell why they're running out escaping out of my eyes and I am not able to justify these tears to the others. It's when I feel like there's no clue and that I am deeply hurt. At these moments in my life I feel like I wanna slam the door, zip my mouth, sit in my room just alone and I feel like why am I being so cheerful?? No one answers my question and nothing is heard but silence.
It's only the clueless inner pain that tells me clearly that I am going in the wrong path and that I am not really following Islam correctly. At these moments I feel like regretting all what I did in this life and I ask myself "Was what you ignorantly did worth doing? Would you rather choose enjoying it than enjoying آخرة?"
I feel like all what I feel and all what happens are some indirect messages from Allah to tell me that I should lower this nose which is only looking up. I only feel this type of grief and pain because of no reason but being far from Allah and way beyond being called a muslim. It's only when I cry deeply, that I plan for some REAL change. Do I have to be in need so that I plead for Allah's mercy, love and guidance?
Honestly, the human being inside me resembles a lot of the quran verses; resembles these descriptions of the human race. Why do I always feel happy about the AMAZING me, while I end up every grief time realising that I the bottom of greatness and I am the top of uselessness.
Really!! I should really remember that I have been created for a reason, so please please Roba...don't leave that reason then look for another reason that certainly won't help. We beings look for happiness in everything, but we always forget to look in happiness with who created it. I look in each corner of life for happiness but I forget that the true pleasantness isn't in corners but center.
I am really sick of me being a dumb human being who runs after wealth and health or who tries to fulfil her life desires. I am sick of me doing nothing but wasting time then calling myself religious. I am tired of myself and I simply dunno how will I justify my naive actions to Allah swt. I am just fed up with my imperfection and I am yearning to see the Prophet pbuh. I really wanna know how masha'Allah he was able to get over all the human's wrong actions and fulfil what Allah wants not what he as a human being wanted.
May Allah grant us guidance and may he help us being people who live their life for HIM.
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