وإنا على فراقك لمحزونون

I feel like I am emotionally numbed! Oh Yes I do cry, because I miss my grandmother, but I cry intentionally. I keep on trying to remember every good moment that I spcnt with her, so I start weeping and that's how it all goes. I feel like I am still in that state of denial, because I deeply still can't imagine that she won't be back, I won't visit her at home, or that she won't be there in our lives anymore. It's as if I am still in that state of denial, even though I deeply understand what has happened. I think that's why I don't usually start crying except if I bring the tears themselves into my eyes. It's a weird feeling and I simply don't understand what that type of feeling is. I believe that the human mind and heart are so simple that they don't really get what death is and probably that's why still no one understands what the soul is about and they never will. It's so deep for us to fully digest the soul's idea.

﴿وَيَسأَلونَكَ عَنِ الرّوحِ قُلِ الرّوحُ مِن أَمرِ رَبّي وَما أوتيتُم مِنَ العِلمِ إِلّا قَليلًا﴾
[الإسراء: ٨٥]

Truly, we barely know anything, so that's why something like death, dreams, or even spiritual worshipping isn't easy for us to fully grasp. What I can conclude for now is that we all need Allah as a stable source of strength, mercy and evey good thing. May He strengthen my mum for facing such a life incident and may he grant my grandma entering firdaws. Ameen

Again coming back to the point of missing her, I still kind of can't accept the fact that this beautiful lady is not existing anymore, or that I won't meet her again in this dunya. I have always wanted her to be in our weddings or any celebrations. I still can't imagine that I won't sleep at her house in my summer vacation. I used to get very excited about going there, so when the idea pops up in my mind I used to grab my bag and fill it with what I need and then someone drops me off over there. I used to spend the best of my nights there, as I spent with her some lovely moments. We prayed together, watched TV together, ate and cooked together, and did so much, so it's hard to  imagine my life without her. If I continue, then I will keep on writing on and on almost endlessly. May this kind person rest in peace and be in Jannah إن شاء الله.